Portia POV
I wake up to my phone ringing and I answer it right away knowing who is calling me at this time of the night. This will be the third time this week she calls me.
“Port- plea- please come I- I need you-” She sobs through the phone. I sigh. I don't know why every time she calls me I go to her. It only makes the wound deeper in my heart.
“I'm coming El, stay where you are.” I already know where she is. The same bar I always pick her up when she needs to drown herself in alcohol. She falls so fast for a girl and in the end she always ends up heartbroken.
I quickly change into sweats and a hoodie and drive as fast as I can to that damn bar. I will never understand why she lets girls hurt her this bad, a million times I've told her to be careful but she just ignores me.
I see her car in the far end of the parking lot but I park next to the entrance. I can't possibly help her walk or carry her for a such long distance as inebriated as I know she is.
As I walk through the door I spot her immediately. She's the only one at the bar with a bottle of some type of alcohol dangling from her hand. I walk slowly to her taking the bottle away when she attempts to take another sip.
It hurts me so much to see her like this. She only sees me as her friend, she will never see me as the woman that’s in love with her. My heart breaks when she's enthusiastic about being in a relationship with a girl that doesn't deserve her.
“Portia you came!” She slurs her words as she sways in the stool, I'm scared she'll fall if she doesn't stay still.
“Let's go home Ellen, come on.” I pull her arm around my neck holding her by the waist against me as I try the impossible. To get her in the car.
We both almost fall when she tries to get on her feet, I struggle to walk with her body weight being all on me. There's no one to help me so I decide to try and carry her to the car. Surprisingly enough I manage to do it.
With Ellen safely strapped in the seat I get in and start driving back to my house. I can't leave her alone at her own house being in the state she's in, I wouldn't forgive myself if she were to get hurt because of that.
“Port- you're the best-” Her hiccups interrupt her “I lo- love you, best fri- friend I co- could ask for.” Tears threatened to fall at her words. Loving her in silence is killing me.
“I love you too Ellen.” I say it with a different meaning and wipe my eyes with the back of hand. Hopefully she didn't notice.
“Don't cry, I'm sorry… it's just that Sam-”
“I don't want to know.” I clench my jaw at the mention of that name. Sam has cheated on Ellen more than once but she just keeps going back to her. I always had a bad feeling about Sam but I never said anything, I have no say in Ellen's love life.
“She-” I had stopped at a red light and she opened the door to throw up. I turn the car off as I wait for her as I rub her back to try and comfort her. I grab some tissues giving them to her when she's done.
“You ok?” I grab more tissues to wipe her mouth where she missed doing it herself. She nods and out of the blue she starts to cry. I can't pull her into my arms as we're still in the car, with my thumb I wipe away the tears that had fallen.
“She che- cheated” she sniffs, “on me again.” If I could I'd kill that girl. I'm sure she's with Ellen because of the money, she inherited everything when her mom passed away a few years ago.
“You're an idiot.” I blatantly say. I could feel her looking at me as I drove but I didn't budge, someone has to tell her the truth. It hurts it has to be me.
“I know…” She stares out the window as tears still fall down her cheeks. “But I love her.” No other word is said for the rest of drive, I even thought she had fallen asleep.
I don't know how much more pain my heart can take. Every time she says that about another girl my heart gains another cut. Each one deeper than the last one. I've tried, I swear I have, to give up and move on but I just can't.
Finally we arrive home and I park the car. Now the hard task of walking with a drunk person to the second floor has begun. Only she could make everything more difficult.
“Come on, we're home.” I help her out holding onto her so she doesn't fall flat on her face. After discovering I can carry her I lift her up and take her to the entrance of the building and to the foot of the stairs.
“I'm sor- sorry Portia.” She starts to cry again.
“Shh baby it's ok.” I panic at the word I used without realizing I said it out loud, my only hope is that she didn't register that.
“I love you.” She says as she holds onto my shoulders swaying left to right. Maybe it's all in my head but that was a different ‘I love you’ from all the ones she has said to me as a friend.
“We will go up the stairs, do as I say alright?” She nods, I hiss as her grip tightens on my shoulders using all her strength to not let go of me.
After what seemed like hours we get to the top of the stairs. It was quite amusing having to pat the right leg when she kept lifting the wrong one. Just another story to add to all the other ones I have of moments like this.
I walk her to the only bedroom this apartment has, my bedroom, and help her into bed. I grab a pair of pajamas handing them to her and walk out to give her some privacy.
“Portiiiiia” she shouts a few minutes later. I run back to the room scared something happened to her. I almost die of laughter at the sight I have before me.
“What happened to you?” I try to say as I try to control my laughter.
“How you put this on?” She pulls at the t-shirt she tried to put on by pulling it over her head through the short sleeve.
“Where are the pants?” Just for fun I want to see her try to put them on.
“It doesn't fit me!” I fall to my knees laughing uncontrollably, I don't know why she thought two legs go in one leg of the pants.
“Ellen-” I take a deep breath, “need some help?” I laugh again as I walk towards her but she can't see me from having the shirt covering her whole head.
“Your clothes- they are too small.” She complains tugging at the shirt. I can't help not let my eyes wander over her exposed toned body. I resist the urge to caress her stomach.
“Here let me help.” I fix the pajamas for her and help her get under the covers. I go to the kitchen and grab some aspirins and a glass of water leaving them on the nightstand, I'm sure she'll need them in the morning.
“Port-” she hiccups again, “Portia don't leave- stay here with me.” She attempts to get up but I push her back down and she falls on the bed, I forgot how drunk she actually is.
“Dammit Ellen why you do this? Don't you know how much it hurts to see you like this?” I burst out throwing my hands up in the air exasperated.
“Sam-”
“Shut up. I told you I don't want to hear it.”
“Why- are you angry?” She starts to cry and my anger goes away. I can't be angry at her it's not her fault that girl forced her way into Ellen's heart.
“Don't cry baby it's ok.” I groan. Again I let slip that word.
“Why no one loves me?” She looks at me with her sad puppy eyes. I reach out and grab her hand taking it between both of mine.
“Someone does Ellen believe me.”
“Sam does- doesn't love me.” I grit my teeth as she mentions that girl again. I'm tired of Ellen defending her even after all she has done.
“You are not going to see her again you understand?” I grab her chin making my point clear. I made it my mission to protect her and I'll do it at all costs, she won't come near Ellen as long as I'm with her.
“But- Portia, she- she's my everything.”
“Go to sleep.” I state as I get up, my anger rising again. I grab a pair of pajamas for myself, a pillow and blanket to sleep on the sofa.
“Sleep here.” I can't sleep next to her, it's so difficult not being able to touch her. “Please?”
“Ellen…” I hesitate.
“I won't drink again if you do, I pro- promise.” She's drunk she doesn't know what she's saying, I try to tell myself as I look at her skeptical.
Reluctantly I lay next to her and turn around facing the wall opposite of my bed. I tense up when she comes closer spooning up behind me. Her left arm snaking around to rest on my waist. I remind myself to breathe and relax, she's just looking for comfort as she falls into a deep slumber.
I wake up to Ellen gripping my hand as she starts to wake up placing her free hand on her head groaning in pain, just as I knew it would happen. I try to get my hand out of her grasp so I'm able to sooth the pain by massaging her head gently.
“Good morning.” I whisper as in try not make her head any worse than what it is.
“Good-” she places the pillow over her head “oh god how much did I drink last night?”
“If you remember nothing then a lot…”
“Well I remember why I got drunk in the first place.” I don't really want to hear about her shattered relationship, it's enough to know she has a girlfriend.
“I've got to get ready for work.” I raise my voice just a little bit so she knows I'm annoyed, upset or whatever. I decided I’m angry so I get up moving more than I should, I want her to remember how bad a hangover feels.
“Alright I’m sorry… Just please stop…”
“I brought you aspirins. Take them and stop complaining, no one made you drink like you do almost everyday.” I give her the same lecture I do every time she ends up here because she’s drunk. She just stares at me as I go to my dresser and grab some clothes to get ready.
“Why are you so angry Portia? What’s wrong?”
“Nothing is wrong.” I say annoyed that she’s still oblivious to everything around her. I’m sure my jealousy for Sam is more than obvious. “You will never get it.” I storm out the room to the bathroom.
During my break Ellen came to have lunch with me which I loved. I had forgotten all about this morning and we were having a nice chat about where we would like to be in the next five years.
“I am not sure yet but eventually I want to have a family, dog and cat maybe even a horse.” I smile as I think of Ellen being part of that future with me. “How about you?”
“Not sure about the family part but definitely yes to the animals, I love animals.”
“Aww come on don’t you want a little Ellen running around causing trouble?” I have a soft spot for babies, I’m scared to have of my own but I would adopt for sure.
“Reason why I’m not sure, I love a clean house.” We laugh, I could easily change her mind about this. “How about work? Don’t you want to open your own gallery someday?”
“Yeah but not here maybe New York or London, you’ll be with me when I do it right?”
“Always Portia, you know how much I love you. I’ll support you in anything.” Then the worst thing that could ruin this moment happens.
“El! Baby where you’ve been?” Sam grabs a chair from a nearby table placing it between Ellen and I. Sam takes Ellen’s hand to hold on her lap but she jerks it away from her, I couldn’t help the smile on my lips.
“What do you want?”
“You of course, I’ve been looking for you since last night.” Once again she tries to take her hand. I could tell that Ellen’s patience was coming to an end. “I’ve missed you.” She couldn’t sound any more fake than what she already is.
“It didn’t seem like it when you were all over Kate.”
“Th- that meant nothing- Ellen I promise it-” I shake my head in disbelief. “Baby I’m sorry…”
“Nothing? Sam come on- I was dumb enough to forgive your last couple of affairs, I don’t want to see you again. We’re over!”
“No… Baby don’t do this, I love you. I-”
“Didn’t you hear? She doesn’t want to see you again! Get lost Sam!” It wasn’t my business but I had to step in, not just because I’m in love with her but also because as her friend I have to be by her side and get her out of here.
“Excuse me? This is between her and me, how about-”
"How about you fuck off?" I leave money for the bill and grab Ellen’s hand pulling her to my car. As soon as I strap her in, much like last night, I drive away quickly before Sam decides to come and make scene.
“You alright?”
“Yeah thanks for that, I don’t know what I’d do without you Portia.”
----------------------------
Ellen was sleeping in my apartment for the last couple of days, I thought it would be better for her since Sam was probably going to go and look for her at her house, I just wanted her to avoid such a bad moment.
Every night we had a movie marathon, eat pizza and ice cream. I never had such an amazing time with anyone before, if it were possible I’m sure I was falling more and more in love with her. It was hard keeping my hands to myself but I achieved it.
Cuddling with her is the best thing ever, her playing with my hair as we watched movies felt amazing. Resting my head on her shoulder snuggling up to her was the moment I felt most safe. I never wanted to leave her arms, I never wanted her to let go off me.
Then I woke up from my dream.
I needed to run some errands so I made my way to the mall, I was hoping because it was the middle of the week it wouldn’t be as packed as it is on the weekends. My prayer was answered.
I make my way to the jewelry store, I need to buy a nice gift for my mom for mother’s day, she deserves it after all. She has always been by my side and it’s time I show her how grateful I am for her.
As I round the corner of a bakery I stop dead on my tracks. After everything that has happened I can’t believe what I’m seeing. Did Ellen not learn her lesson? What has to happen for her to open her eyes?
She’s in line waiting to buy what she needs and holding her hand is Sam. Ellen is laughing at something Sam said and my heart just falls to the pit of my stomach. Frozen in place I stare as they start kissing, I couldn’t move, I was in shock.
Once Ellen made her purchase they were walking towards me, I need to get out of their way and leave before she notices me crying and starts asking questions.
We make eye contact, I feel everything falling apart as we stare at each other. I glower at her, I want to hate her but I can’t. My love for her is beyond my comprehension, it’s stronger than I am.
“Portia what’s-” Her voice brings me back to reality, I look between the two of them then run to my car and go home. I lock the door with the manual lock, I don’t want to see Ellen.
The following week I ignore her calls, I avoid seeing her anywhere there’s a chance I would bump into her. The few times we talked I made sure to not make eye contact, if I look into her beautiful blue eyes I’m sure I’ll forget why I’m so hurt. I kept my answers short and always blamed my job if she asked what was wrong.
This morning I booked a ticket to New York, I’m leaving tonight. I'm having lunch with my mom to say goodbye as I still have to pack my suitcase and that always takes a few hours.
“Honey are you sure this is what you should do?” I sigh. It’s not about if I should or not, it’s that I have to.
“Yes mom I’m sure, I have to put distance between Ellen and I.” I take a last bite and push my plate away. I haven’t had much appetite since last week. “Promise me you won’t tell her where I am.”
“Portia… she’ll be heartbroken. Don’t do this…”
“What about me? You don’t think all of this hurts me?” I raise my voice. I start to cry when she pulls me into her arms.
“I’m sorry darling. I won’t tell her I promise.” She gently wipes my tears away. “Now tell me, what will you do in New York?”
“I don’t know, maybe open a gallery. It’s always been a dream of mine.”
“I wish you the best, anything you need call me alright?” I check the time on my watch. I can’t believe how fast time flies, I’m already running late.
“Yes mom don’t worry. Please visit whenever you want” She nods as she holds my hand. “I’ve got to go, I love you.”
“Have a safe flight honey, I love you.” We hug and I reluctantly have to pull away. I give her a kiss on the cheek and head home.
I have my suitcase ready faster than I thought. I don’t have to be in the airport until in about an hour. I have already arranged for movers to come tomorrow morning to pack everything, as I wait for my things to arrive at the apartment I bought I’ll be staying in a hotel.
I need to leave everything else behind to start a new life, even if that means a life without my Ellen. I grab pen and paper to write her a goodbye letter, it’s best to do it this way. In it she’ll finally know what I truly feel for her. Tears fall as I write to her. I know in a couple of days she will come looking for me so I tape the paper to the wall behind my bed so she doesn’t miss it when she does.
Finally it’s time to go. I look at my apartment one last time, the apartment that is full of memories, happy and unfortunate ones but that I’ll cherish forever. I take a deep breath, grab my suitcase and walk out the door.
Ellen POV
Portia has been very strange with me lately, I don't think I have done anything to upset her, at least I hope I haven't. I know she said I shouldn't see Sam again after I basically dumped her but I couldn't help it and ever since that day she saw me with her she stopped talking to me, she has been cold towards me.
I need to fix whatever it is I messed up, I'll beg her to forgive me if I have to but she has to listen to me. I get out of my car and walk up to her apartment, for some reason my nerves kick in as I knock on her door. I press my ear against it to hear if there’s any movement indicating that she’s inside. Nothing. I take the spare key she gave me and walk inside.
It’s empty. No furniture, no picture frames on the walls, nothing. All of her belongings are gone. I was here just a few days ago, she would have said anything about moving. As I walk through the empty apartment all of the sudden I feel lonely, she’s all I have and now she’s gone.
I make my way to her bedroom and somehow still hope her bed is there, that her clothes are still there and she’s still here with me. I breath hitches when I open it to find it empty, too. I notice a piece of paper taped to the wall, I take it but I don’t want to read it, I’m scared what I’ll find written. I take a deep breath and start reading.
My dearest Ellen,
I love you. I've loved you ever since we met and that was in high school remember? I really thought I could get through with this and ignore my feelings but I can't anymore. I need to move on and not suffocate myself in what I truly feel for you. You have always just seen me as your friend and I can't change that. My heart has broken so many times as I saw you having relationship after relationship.
I can't believe this, I feel my heart break into a million pieces. I try to continue reading as tears had begun to fall down my cheeks. I lean against the wall sliding the whole way down. I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand. How could I not notice this? Why did she never tell me anything?
I have always been there for you when you needed me and so have you but not as I wish you would be. I'm sorry it has to be this way but it's time to let go, it's time I let you go. You were never mine but I need to do this, for my well being. Remember I have always loved you and always will as you're my only true love. I wish you the best baby.
I clutch onto the piece of paper where she's saying goodbye and I feel my whole world crumbling around me. I put my head on my knees and start to sob uncontrollably. She can't do this, she can't just leave me. Portia is too important to me, she always gets me in the right path if I'm doing something stupid. She's always there for me, I'm nothing without her. I need to find her, I need her to come back to me…
Then a realization hits me. I've always loved her I just didn't see it. I was blinded by random girls hitting on me and letting myself fall in their traps. How could I be so stupid?
The girl I've always dreamed of was in front of me and what do I do? I hurt her, I break her heart asking her for advice on getting a girl back. I tell her my relationship problems, I get drunk because of them and she's always there looking after me. She didn't deserve any of that.
I hastily get on my wobbly legs and search my pockets for my phone, always when I need it I never have it on me. I almost trip on my way to the kitchen, I snatch it off the counter and dial Portia’s number.
“The number you have reached has been disconnected.” I fall to my knees. This can't be happening, this has to be a dream or better, a nightmare. I call her mom, she has to know where her daughter is.
“I'm sorry Ellen she told me not to say anything, please respect her decision.” She says sympathetically. I hand up on her, I didn't mean to be disrespectful but neither can I respect Portia's decision, I will look for her even if that's the last thing I do. I look over the wrinkled piece of paper again and notice there’s more at the end of the page.
As much as I know you’ll try and look for me, please don’t. I have no choice but to accept that you were not meant to be mine, that we were not meant to be. Please understand my love.
I love you with all my heart, Portia.
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*Five years later*
Even though she asked me not to look for her I still did. Not one day did I stop searching for her. I made sure I hired the best detectives in London as I had all New York to search myself. I was sure I had to focus on those two places when I remembered she mentioned she wanted to open her gallery in either one of them.
Thing is, those two are one of the biggest cities in the world. Millions of people live there but I wasn’t going to give up, I couldn’t give up.
I walked and drove through hundreds of streets hoping with just a little bit of luck I would find her as she strolled down the streets. That I would finally have the happiness I’ve been missing ever since she left.
Every time I would see a glimpse of a blonde girl my hope went to the sky only for her to turn around and my hope to disappear just as fast as it had appeared.
A couple of years had passed and there was still nothing of Portia’s whereabouts. I couldn’t focus on anything anymore, not in anything I love at least. I stopped drinking as much as I was, I left Sam the same day Portia left me. I hadn’t been in a relationship ever since, she’s the only one I want. I need to find her, she has to know about my feelings for her.
As time kept passing by I found a new hobby, a hobby that reminded me of her, she loved to take pictures of anything. Portia was the reason why I kept on living, she was the reason I decided not to drink myself to death over losing her. Just knowing that she loves me gave the strength to keep looking for her.
I made sure I attended every gallery opening I could, especially galleries that show photographic work. That is what Portia was passionate about. I’m sure she would open one to help new artists show their work in this hard business.
I had never made being a photographer to be my life goal, it didn’t even cross my mind. As my search for her continued I found myself taking more and more pictures with my camera. I wanted to snap whatever was around me so once she was with me she could see that I never gave up. That she is all I think of every single day.
Two years later I’m entering my portfolio in a nonprofit gallery, which they have to accept if I can have a show or not. It’s a big shot but maybe it’ll be easier to find Portia like this.
I had a show last year which didn’t go bad, I’m still no one in the photographic world but that is not what I’m aiming for. Tomorrow I have one more and I’m very nervous. I have a feeling something is going to happen, good or bad I don’t know. Portia has to be closer to me than I know, I still remember her presence when we would spend time together. Lately I feel that presence around me wherever I go.
“Ellen! Glad to have you back.” Eliza, the founder of the gallery greets me enthusiastically as I walk into her office. I shake her hand as her other hand goes to my shoulder. “I have wonderful news. The owner of the most prestigious gallery will come and look for new artists to give a chance to, like you.”
“When?” I’m not very excited about this. I would be if Portia was here with me, I’m really not looking forward to making a name for myself.
“Tomorrow, I just got notified this morning.” I nod and look down at my feet. “You don’t seem very excited, this could be your big chance Ellen.”
“Eliza, if I had someone to share this with I would be.”
“Haven’t heard from her, have you?” I shake my head. I don’t really have friends, I’ve kept to myself for these past years but I feel I can trust her. I couldn’t let myself get distracted from my mission by going out and being my old self.
“It’s been five years. I’ve missed her so much…” She pulls me into a hug. I haven’t allowed anyone in and I break down as she holds me.
“Let me help you look for her, you doing it alone isn’t-”
“No I want to find her myself, I know she’s here I can feel it.” I wipe my eyes when we pull apart, she’s a great person and a great friend, I couldn’t be more thankful having her as a friend.
“I wish you the best, I know you’ll find her.” I give her a small smile and walk out. I drive through the city like I always do still hoping I’ll find her, once I give up I make my way to the same coffee shop I go to everyday, it’s relaxing to just watch people as they walk by.
I grab my camera and start walking towards the coffee shop taking pictures on my way. I stop at a crosswalk waiting for traffic to allow me to cross the street. As I wait I keep taking pictures of people, cars, buildings or anything that catches my attention. Then I see her.
A blonde woman waiting in another crosswalk, I can only see the back of her head but this feeling, the way my heartbeat increases as I stare at her. It’s Portia, I know it’s her.
As soon as I can cross the street I push through the crowd trying to get a better look of her. Desperate to see her I walk to the middle of the street, my foolish mistake almost takes me to the hospital.
“Hey watch where you go!” The taxi driver glares at me as he drives by. I ignore him and walk to the sidewalk still trying to walk through the crowd to get a better glimpse at this mysterious woman. By the time I get to the end of the street she was gone.
I turn around cursing under my breath about not being able to see her face, I just wanted to know if my heart was right and that was Portia. I take a seat on a table outside and wait to order my coffee, while I wait patiently I take some shots of people that walk by.
I wake up to my alarm going off, I need to get myself one that isn't as annoying as this one. I have to be in the gallery early today to put my work up until it's time to open it to the public.
"Ellen come on we have to have this ready soon." Eliza takes me out of my daydream. I get back to work telling people where I want each piece to go. We are done by lunch and I head to my favorite little sandwich place.
I was not told I had to get back to the gallery so I go home and relax myself for tonight that could probably change my life.
As the time to get ready kept getting closer I started to get nervous. Last time I had a show I didn't have a reason to be and now that someone with experience will come see my work it's completely different.
I get dressed in a nice black suit, not too formal nor too casual. I wouldn’t want to be overdressed when everyone else will be in comfortable clothes. I get in my car and make my way to the gallery.
“You’re late, come on you’ve got to meet her.” Eliza ushers me to the back of the gallery pushing me by my shoulders through the crowd.
“Her who?”
“She loved your work and she wants to feature you in her gallery.” As if my nerves weren’t enough already, now I’ve got to introduce myself and give the best impression. “Relax El, she’s the one over there.” She points towards the corner of the gallery and my breath hitches. It’s the same woman I saw yesterday, the one I almost got run over for.
Deliberately I move one foot in front of the other, walking slowly to her. I hesitate and instead opt for the table setup with glasses of champagne, I take one and drink it in one big gulp. I grab another one but before I’m able to drink it Eliza grabs my arm.
“What are you doing? Go introduce yourself Ellen.” She gently pushes me to her, I almost stumble over my feet but I’m able to regain my balance. I take a deep breath and take the most dreaded three steps.
"Portia?" I whisper more to myself. She turns around slowly, as if she's in slow motion her blonde hair waves behind her shoulder landing perfectly behind her.
"Ellen?" Oh god, how much did I miss that voice. Tears threaten to fall as I stare at her. Her signature gray-blue eyes looking back at me in shock. Her perfect lips turning into that beautiful smile that I've always loved.
"It's really you..." I want to pull her into my arms, feel her body against mine to make sure I'm not dreaming.
"Ellen..." She repeats my name, I nod.
"This can't be a dream, can it?" She shakes her head, I reach to her with my hand, I'm scared she'll disappear if I don't hold onto her.
"It's been such a long time..." I'm pulled into her arms, I wrap my own tightly around her. I sigh and relax in her arms, I've missed this so much.
"Here you go baby." Reluctantly I pull away and a tall brunette, green eyed woman hands her a glass of champagne and pecks her lips. I feel the air leave my lungs, did she just call her baby and kissed her?
"Thank you." Portia takes a sip directing her gaze back to the piece avoiding my eyes.
"This is truly beautiful, you have a great eye." I faintly hear the woman tell me, I nod and smile as my voice seems to be gone.
I stare at my half empty glass with so many things going through my mind. Portia is in a relationship, she has a girlfriend, she has made a new life.
Once the woman has moved onto another piece I take the chance to talk to Portia. We have so much to talk about.
"Is she your-"
"Yeah she is..." She gives me an apologetic look, as if she feels sorry for me. I nod and look down at my feet. I feel my heart break over this, it never crossed my mind that she could maybe have found someone by now.
"Are you happy with her?"
"I am, yeah." She smiles as she turns to look at her girlfriend. I nod to let her know that I understand, my brain might but my heart never will.
"Could we possibly catch up over a cup of coffee? We have five years to talk about." I smile even though I'm dying inside.
“We do, I can't believe you became a photographer.” She smiles and I tilt my head just looking at her. I can't believe I finally have found her, that she's here in front of me.
“Is tomorrow too soon?” I ask carefully.
“No of course not, we could meet in that little cafe in downtown Manhattan?” I smile, I know which one she means. It's my favorite coffee place.
“Yeah anywhere you want.”
“You're a fantastic photographer, I'm so proud of you.” She lightly touches my shoulder sending shivers down my spine.
“It reminded me of you.” I mumble, not sure if she heard me or not. “Eliza- she told me you wanted to feature my-”
“I do yes how can I pass up on these great pieces? I didn't know it was you who-” I raise my eyebrows confused. “I didn't see the name of who had taken these.” She looks around the gallery.
“I'm glad you like them.” I can't help stare at her as she turns her attention back to the piece in front of her. There's so many questions I need answers to. “How long are you and-”
“Hey Portia, I'm glad you've met the next big thing in this business.” Eliza interrupts me wrapping her arm around my shoulders.
“She's amazing.” She gives me a smile and I feel myself blush at their words.
“I know she is, she'll be huge.” I roll my eyes at her exaggerating words. “You've got to see my favorite one.” She pulls her with her and I'm left alone with my thoughts.
I don't see Portia for the rest of the exhibition which makes me sad. I was hoping to spend a little time with her even if we didn't talk at all. Even if her girlfriend was going to be there all the time and my heart would break over and over again.
As I drive back to my apartment I realize we never set a time to meet, only the place. I don't have her number to ask her and neither do I want to call Eliza asking for her number. Right now I want to avoid all the questions that would ensue once she knows she's the one I've been looking for.
I move all night around in my bed unable to fall asleep, how can I possibly sleep when finally I have found Portia. Five years, five long years I’ve been waiting to see her again. To hold her in my arms and tell her I love her, how deep down I did thinking I only loved her as a friend.
The time reads 4:55 on my nightstand. I have slept probably half an hour if not nothing at all. I’m not an athletic person but I need to do something to calm my nerves down so I head down to Central Park. A little jog can’t do bad to me, I jog around the park twice and finally I let myself fall down on the grass. I close my eyes taking a deep breath of fresh air.
A couple of minutes later I feel someone standing above to me and the next thing I know something wet is licking my face. This someone giggles and I open my eyes to find Portia trying to pull her dog off of me.
“You’re alive.” She continues to laugh as her dog sits next to me laying his head on my stomach. “Seems like he made a new friend.” I smile and pet his head slowly.
“Well good morning to you too.” I don’t dare move a muscle, I don’t want her cute dog to get uncomfortable. “What’s his name?” I continue to pet him.
“Roco, I don’t know why he’s like that with you if you two just met mere five minutes ago.”
“What can I say? I mean I’m just too lovable.” I pat on my right side for her to sit down with me, what a coincidence that we came across one another here.
“I know you are.” She sighs sitting cross legged by my hip in front of Roco’s head.
“How have you been?”
“Good actually just busy with work, you know?” I nod and place my arm behind my head. “What about you?”
“Just getting by nothing much going on in my life.”
“I thought by now you would be married with Sam…” She trails off looking down at her hands. I didn’t think she would ever bring that up.
“No I- she- I left her the day you left…” I also trail off looking up at the trees and the blue sky.
“It’s a nice day today.” She changes the subject, I admit I’m disappointed she did but it’s not time to talk about that yet.
“Yes indeed it is.”
“Roco loves early morning walks, I never thought I’d find you here though.”
“It’s the first time I come for a jog, I just needed to relax and it worked.” I smile and she smiles back. I get butterflies in my stomach like if I’m a teenager.
“Let’s go for that coffee, come on.” She gets up and calls on Roco to get off of me. “Want to walk him?” I nod taking the leash from her hand, our fingers touch sending a shock-wave feeling all around my body.
“I’m afraid I’m going to have to steal him from you, he’s a lovely dog.”
“Pretty sure he wouldn’t mind that.” She laughs. I didn’t really notice how much I have missed Portia. Her laugh, her eyes, her voice, her perfect blonde hair, everything that is part of her I missed. Especially her presence, the energy that comes from her is so calming and relaxing.
“You’re allowed to visit him but only you.”
“As soon as I find out where you kidnapped him to, I will.” She reaches to my hand for the leash as we’re about to cross the road and I’m no expert in how to cross a busy road with a dog.
“Are you busy for the rest of the day?” I ask as we walk to a table outside the cafe.
“No, why?”
“I was thinking of maybe you might want to have... lunch... with me?”
“I’d love to.” She smiles and our waiter comes and we order our coffees. “I see you cut your hair shorter.”
“Yeah I like it like this more.” I tousle my hair a little, I use to have it in a lob style until I decided to go for the pixie style. “Do you like it?”
“I do, it looks nice.” As she’s reaching to touch it the waiter comes with our coffees and she reluctantly has to stop her hand from going any further. I take a sip of mine, I want to ask more serious questions but I’m not sure if I should or not.
“What have you been up to in these long five years?”
“Well, I opened my gallery that I’ve dreamt of and it’s a success, I couldn’t be happier in that aspect.” She takes a sip of her coffee. “What about you?” I sigh.
“You want the short or long answer?”
“Long, I want to know everything you’ve been up to.” She smiles.
“Alright well, I’ve been looking for you non stop since that day you left. I found a hobby in something that reminded me of you, which is why I’m in this photographic thing. I searched all New York for you, not one day went by I didn’t think of you. I missed you.” I wipe my eyes with a napkin.
“Oh Ellen, I’m sorry-”
“No don’t be, it was my fault you left.” I take the risk and reach to wipe a stray tear with my thumb, I smile as she leans her head into my hand as I cup her face. “I’m sorry.” I whisper.
“I had to do it, I couldn’t take it anymore.”
“How long are you and-” I don’t want to know but I have to know at the same time.
“Laura.” I suppose that’s her girlfriend’s name but I honestly don’t care about it. “We’re together three years.” I hold my breath and take a sip of my coffee. She moved on years ago and I’m still here attached to the past.
“You- do you- is she-” I stumble over my words. I can’t form a coherent thought anymore.
“Ellen I’m-”
“Don’t say it, I don’t want your pity.” I regret my words right away. “I- Portia sorry I didn’t meant to say that.” She takes my hand between hers giving it a squeeze. “Is she good to you?” It takes so much to keep talking about this and to face the fact that she's someone else's.
“She's great to me, she's amazing.” I try my best to keep my tears at bay. I don't want to break down in front of her. She'll ask questions and I really don't want to answer any of them.
“I'm glad, you deserve the best.” I force a smile. “You know I read your letter…” I grab my coffee and take a sip of it. I'm not sure what her reaction will be to this.
“Ellen-” She takes a deep breath. “You deserved to know, maybe it was the wrong time but you had to know.”
“I love you.” Three words I've waited five years to tell her. Three words that either will bring back happiness to my life or just break me in half. Three words that could hold my future with her.
She stays silent, I don't know if it was right to tell her or if it was better to keep it to myself but I needed her to know. Maybe she has feelings for me still and if so I still have hope.
“Ellen, please don't - "
"Portia do you still love me?" I take her hands and kneel in front of her almost begging.
“Please Ellen, I- I can't, I've moved on. I made a new life.”
"Yes or no? One word Portia, just one word and either I'll disappear forever or stay here with you forever." I look straight into her eyes as she looks down at our hands on her lap.
“Ellen- I'm getting married in two weeks. Don't do this please…” I feel my heart shatter against the pit of my stomach, now I've got no reason to keep on living. I've not no one to live for. I purse my lips and nod. I look down at our hands realizing this is it for us. We were never meant to be and just like she did, it's time to let go.
“Okay.” I murmur. “I wish you the best with Laura.” I lift our hands to my lips kissing hers softly. I take my wallet, pay for our coffees and walk away with my head down.
I walk back to the park in a slow pace and sit down next to a tree in front of the huge lake. I lean against the tree letting my eyes close against my will. I'm exhausted, physically and emotionally.
I have to figure out what I'll do now that I've found Portia, all these years I've spent all my time looking for her. I never had time for myself, now I have to move on like she did.
Maybe if I move out of the country it'll be easier to forget I love her, maybe I'll find someone who I'll love as much as I love her. Yet, maybe I won't, everything will just remind me of her. I sigh.
A week has passed and not one day did I got out of my apartment. I barely ate anything or took care of myself, I disconnected myself from the outside world.
The phone rung everyday, all day. I just spent everyday in bed and stared at the wall. I didn't felt like talking to anyone or seeing anyone, not even Portia.
Next week she's getting married, next week she'll belong to someone else, next week I'll lose the woman I love forever.
Out of the blue there's loud knocking on my front door. I stay in bed, I don't want to see whoever came to bother me.
“Ellen! Open the damn door!” I recognize Eliza's voice shouting from outside the door. I groan pulling my pillow and the covers over my head.
Ten minutes later she stops pounding on the door and there's silence again. I wrap myself in the covers letting sleep take me away only to feel someone jerk them off me a minute or so later.
“Get up!” She throws the covers to the corner of my room, I ignore her and roll over hugging my pillow. “Now!” She's livid as she yells at me.
“Leave me alone.” My voice is muffled by my pillow. She grabs my foot trying to pull me off my bed but I kick her hand away.
“Get the hell up Ellen.”
“Leave. Me. The. Fuck. Alone.” I say with each kick. I'm not even sure how she got in here, she probably convinced the concierge into opening my door to her.
“Please Ellen, I'm worried about you.” She sits next to me on my bed and starts to rub my arm affectionately.
“You don't have to be.” I pat her hand. “I'm ok.” I try my best to sound assuring to her. I don't want anyone to worry about me.
“Portia de Rossi has been looking for you.” I let my hand fall next to me. “You haven't closed the deal of you letting her gallery feature your work.”
I don't make any comment regarding Portia. I can't agree to it, I would have to spend time with her and my heart won't be able to take it. I'm just going to disappear from her life.
“Tell her I don't want any deal with her. I'm not continuing in this career, I'm leaving the country next week.” I don't have plans for anything, now I'm just saying whatever comes to mind to get her off my back.
“Are you crazy?” She gets up and stares at me as I bury my face in my pillow. “Ellen, what happened?” I clench my jaw at her question.
“She's getting married next week.” Tears threatened to spill.
“She who? El talk to me.” She somehow manages to pull me into a hug which I accept. It's been such a long time I've felt this vulnerable.
“Portia.” She rubs my back as I start to cry. “She's the woman I've been looking for all these years.” Her arms tighten around me.
“Oh darling, she's engaged. She's-”
“I know but I love her. I asked her if she still loved me but she-” I start to sob. “She said- that she moved on.” I wipe my eyes with my sleeve.
“I'm so sorry El, is there anything you want me to tell her?” I shake my head against her chest. “Anything I can do to help you?” I shake my head again.
“I'm not coming to the gallery again, you can keep all my work or sell it I don't care.” I pull away only to lay back down in a ball.
“I'll be coming to check on you until you leave okay?” She takes the covers she threw and put them back on me. I'm not sure if I'm going to leave next week like I said, I just want to be left alone.
I wasn't sure what day or the location the ceremony was to take place but there's always a way to find out these kind of things. Eliza is the easiest way to find out but I doubt she'll tell me.
I take an old newspaper, from last week I think, and start reading the socials section. Portia is the owner of this prestigious gallery, she must be very well known in the art world and people must be interested in her upcoming wedding. I cringe at that thought.
I turn the page to find the love of my life smiling back at me and to her left is Laura, her soon to be wife. Portia looks happy, it's hard to accept it has to be with someone else but I'm willing to let her go, I just want her to be happy.
I trace Portia's picture with the tip of my finger, outlining her beautiful face. A lone tear falls under the picture where it says where and when the ceremony will happen. I wipe my eyes and throw the newspaper across the room.
The day after tomorrow she'll be a married woman, I grab my pillow and punch it a couple of times, I need to get everything I feel out. I feel angry, disappointed, heartbroken, and miserable.
It's been years but I get the urge of drowning myself in alcohol, of drinking until I'm unconscious to forget about all this pain. I call down to the concierge and ask for someone to bring me two bottles.
There's a knock on the door a couple of minutes later and I instantly get out of bed to answer it, I know who it is after all. I pay the man and rush back to bed and take a big gulp of the clear liquid. I choke at the burning feeling as I swallow it.
Not sure how much time has passed but the bottle is nearly empty. I take the last sip of it and throw it against the wall, I nearly fall off the bed at my attempt. Unable to regain my balance I let sleep take me away.
I wake up to a pounding feeling on my head, it feels like in any minute it'll crack open. I take a peek at the digital clock on my nightstand and it read 5:37 pm, I slept my useless day away. I lay for a couple of minutes until I decide to get up.
Tomorrow Portia is getting married. Just the thought makes me want to crawl back into bed and cry myself to sleep.
Unconsciously I grab the other bottle and guzzle down the amber liquid. I grab my phone and dial Eliza's number, not sure why I'm even calling her.
“Hello?” I stay quiet, I'm not sure what to tell her. “El? Are you ok?” She asks concerned.
“No-” I take another gulp of this poisonous liquid before I start to cry. “I'll- I’m going to lo-lose her for-ever.” I hear a door open and close then an engine roaring to life.
“I'm coming, are you home?” I nod then realize she can't see me and hum my assent. I let my phone fall and bring the bottle up to my lips again. I lay myself on the floor staring at the ceiling as I watch the bright lights attached to it.
“I love you.” I whisper as I think of Portia. I remember how I use to call her every time I got drunk and she would come running to my side to look after me. How ironic that now she's the reason I'm getting drunk.
“Give me that.” Someone takes the bottle out of my hand. “Don't be stupid.” I try to take it back but fail. “Ellen look at you, you're pathetic. This is not the Ellen I know.” I roll to my side.
“The Ellen you knew is dead.” I bring my legs up to my chest and wrap my arms around them. Tears fall to the side of my face onto the carpet.
“Come on, let's get you in bed.” Reluctantly I let her drag me to my bedroom and I let myself fall face down. “You want to talk or you want me to leave?” I shrug, I don’t really care.
“You don’t have to stay.”
“If you love her so much why are you giving up this easy?”
“She loves someone else, I can't make her be with me if she doesn't love me anymore.” My mind goes back to that day I told her I love her.
“How do you know that? Did she say it?” I shake my head. “Then fight for her you idiot, don't let her go.”
“It's too late, she's getting married tomorrow.”
“It's never too late. I'm sure she still loves you.” I raise my head looking at her skeptical. She doesn't know what she's saying. “Go to sleep, I'll stay to make sure you don't drink again.” I nod and pull the covers over my head. I cry myself to sleep, I miss Portia so much.
I wake up to the bright sun glaring back at me through a small gap on the window, I blink a couple of times trying to adjust my eyes to the light. There’s a knock on my door and I groan, I don’t want anyone to see me in the state I’m in.
“El are you awake?” I hear Eliza say through the door, I get up to open it then fall back into my bed. “Good to see you too.” I shrug.
“What do you want?”
“Wow you’re grumpy today.” I’m in no mood for her sarcastic comments. “Just wanted to make sure you’re okay, that’s all.” I grab my watch that was on my nightstand to check the time. 2:48. I slept my day away again and in a couple of hours Portia will be a married woman.
“Three hours left.” I mumble to myself more than anyone else. “She’ll be Laura’s wife.” My eyes fill with tears at that thought. I hear Eliza sigh as she sits next to me on my bed.
“Go to her.” I shake my head, it’s too late now. “Take her back El.”
“She was never mine.” I whisper. “I didn’t know she loved me until the day she left. I found out on her goodbye letter.” She touches my arm as I tell her something she didn’t know yet.
“I’m sorry.” She holds my hand when I start to cry into my pillow, I feel so broken inside. After a couple of minutes of crying I suddenly sit up in my bed and wipe my eyes with my hands. I’ve got to get there, I’ve got to stop this wedding, I can’t let her go, not again.
“Where are you going?” Eliza crosses her arms over her chest and stares at me as I go into the closet to get dressed.
“To do something I hope I don’t regret.” I say as I tie my shoes, I take a deep breath and grab my keys on my way down to my car.
“Hold it.” I swiftly turn back and glare at her, I can’t waste time. I’ve got to drive through the brutal Manhattan traffic and with her stopping me I’m just losing valuable time. “I’m driving, you can’t drive like that.” I hesitate for a moment but she’s right, my nerves are a mess.
I drum my fingers on my knees, I anxiously tap my foot on the floor of the car and I run my shaky fingers through my hair, can’t she drive any faster?
She turns on the street where the ceremony is about to start and I start to have a small nervous breakdown. I don’t know if I’ll be able to get through this, a lot is on the line.
“I can’t- oh god I- I can’t do this.” I cover my hot face with my cold hands. “Let’s go home.” I mutter behind my hands.
“I guess you don’t love her that much then.”
“What the- I love her that much I’m willing to give her up so she can be happy with someone who deserves her. Not me, I made her life miserable until she left because she couldn’t take it anymore.” I quickly wipe my eyes before tears fall down my cheeks. “I looked for her for five damn years but I underestimated everything and now it’s my turn to let her go.” She grabs my face between her hands and wipes my eyes.
“You two belong together, don’t let her go.” I’m pulled over the console for a hug. “Go get the love of your life back.” I nod and grab a tissue to dry my eyes and get out of the car.
I stand before the building my Portia is to get married in a couple of minutes. I walk to the entrance, one foot in front of the other one, slowly. I grab the handle and take a deep breath, I pull the door open and the few guests turn to look at me as the wooden door slams shut.
“Ellen?” I can distinguish her sweet voice in between all of the muttering that’s going on. “What are you doing here?” She walks towards me in her simple white dress, she’s beautiful.
“I- Portia I-” I start to stutter as I have all eyes on me. “You- Portia please don’t do this. Give me a chance to show you how much I love you. I promise to be worthy of you but please...” Everybody stares at us as we stand in the middle of the room looking at each other.
“Don't make this harder than what it already is please Ellen.” I take her hand in mine pulling it up to my lips.
“Come with me, make a new life with me Portia. I love you so much.” I hold my breath as she looks behind her at Laura.
“I made- Ellen my decision was made the day I proposed to her.” The air I had left leaves my lungs. She proposed to Laura which means she really wants this, she really has moved on. I nod and let my head fall in resignation.
“Okay. I guess this is a goodbye.” I pull her closer to me. “I love you. Goodbye Portia.” Her eyes fill with tears as I kiss her hand before I walk away forever.
The wooden door closes behind me and I burst into an uncontrollable sob. I let myself slide down to the floor against the door and make myself as small as possible by wrapping my arms around my knees. I feel someone touch my shoulder and I look up to them with my red, puffy eyes.
“Come on El, let's go.” Eliza helps me up holding me by my waist. “I'm so sorry.” She whispers and I rest my head against hers as she walks me back to my car. I'm about to get inside when I hear someone shouting my name.
“Ellen! Wait!” I turn around and I find Portia running towards me, involuntarily a smile spreads across my face. “Do- don't lea- leave.” She says as she tries to catch her breath.
“Portia what-” Her soft lips interrupt me with our first and breathless kiss.
“You can't leave, I can't let you go, not again.” I hold onto her for dear life, I'm scared she'll disappear if I let her go. My heart is beating like a drumroll inside my ribcage at what's happening. “I love you. I never stopped loving you, I tried so hard to find happiness with someone else but I found out I'll only be truly happy with you.”
“I've missed you so much, I can’t believe this is really happening.” I try to take in everything she said but I'm only focused on her being in my arms and her saying she loves me.
“I love you.” Tears are falling down her cheeks as she holds my face with both her hands. I'm not sure where to put mine so I cover hers with mine.
“I thought I lost you forever.”
“Never.” She shakes her head. “You. Me. Forever.” She mumbles over my lips as she leans closer. Her forehead rests against mine and I can't resist the urge to peck her lips.
“I love you.” I whisper sliding my hands down her arms to her waist pulling her flush against me. Before I think over what I'm thinking I say “Will you marry me?”
“I'd love to.” Her smile takes my breath away. She captures my lips and before I know it we're making out in the middle of the street.
“Congratulations you two.” A voice says from behind me. I turn around and find Eliza leaning against the car with a cheeky smile. “Take her home Ellen.” She winks and hands me my keys. “I'll take a taxi, don't worry.” I don't have the chance to argue with her when she jumps inside the yellow car.
“Let's go home.” Portia says in my ear sending a shiver down my back. “I love you baby.” I take her hand and open the door for her.
“Ready?” I ask more to myself as I look at her and she nods. “I love you.” I kiss her hand, turn on my car, take a deep breath and drive home with my future wife.